Stop Asking Your Fish to Climb Trees: Why Your "Difficult" Child Isn't Broken

There's a quote that changed everything for me as a psychologist, and I think it might change everything for you too:

"Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it's stupid."

If you're reading this, I'm guessing you have a child who struggles. Maybe they can't sit still during homework. Maybe bedtime is a two-hour battle every single night. Maybe they melt down over things that seem small to you but feel enormous to them. Maybe you've heard from teachers, relatives, or even other parents that your child is "difficult," "strong-willed," or "just needs more discipline."

And if I had to guess? You're carrying a heavy weight of guilt. You're wondering if you've somehow failed as a parent. You're exhausted from trying strategy after strategy, only to have nothing stick. You're starting to worry that maybe something really is wrong with your child.

Here's what I need you to hear: Your child isn't broken. And neither are you.

The Problem Isn't Your Child—It's the Tree

Think about that fish for a moment. Imagine standing at the base of an oak tree, watching a fish flop around on the ground, and thinking, "Why can't you just climb? Every other animal can do it. The squirrel climbed it. The cat climbed it. What's wrong with you?"

That sounds absurd, right? Of course the fish can't climb the tree. Fish aren't designed to climb trees. They're designed to swim.

But put that same fish in water? Suddenly, it's graceful. Powerful. Thriving. The fish didn't change—the environment did.

This is what's happening with your child.

Your child might struggle with traditional parenting approaches not because they're defiant or difficult, but because those approaches weren't designed for how their brain works. The strategies that work beautifully for some kids leave your child floundering—not because something is wrong with them, but because we're asking them to climb a tree when they're built to swim.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

Let me paint a picture. You tell your seven-year-old to clean their room. An hour later, you find them sitting on the floor, surrounded by toys, having built an elaborate Lego city. You're furious. They look confused. "You never listen!" you say. They genuinely don't understand what went wrong.

Here's what happened: "Clean your room" is an abstract instruction that requires executive functioning skills—the ability to break a big task into smaller steps, prioritize, stay focused, and shift attention away from interesting distractions. For many kids, especially those with ADHD or executive functioning challenges, their brains aren't wired to do this yet. It's like asking them to climb that tree.

You're not asking too much because you're mean. You're asking too much because you don't realize their brain works differently than you think it does.

Or maybe this: Your child melts down over the "wrong" colored cup at breakfast. You think they're being ridiculous and dramatic. But for a child with sensory sensitivities or emotional regulation challenges, that cup isn't just a cup—it's genuinely distressing. Their nervous system is responding as if there's real danger. They're not trying to manipulate you. They're drowning, and you're asking them to climb.

The Shame Cycle That Keeps You Stuck

Here's what happens next, and it's heartbreaking: When your child can't do what everyone else seems to do easily, they start to believe they're stupid, bad, or broken. They hear "why can't you just..." so many times that they internalize it. Their self-esteem crumbles.

And you? You start to believe you're failing. The guilt is crushing. You avoid taking your child places because you're worried about meltdowns. You dread family gatherings because relatives judge your parenting. You lie awake at night wondering where you went wrong.

But here's the truth: The only thing wrong is that we've been using the wrong approach.

You haven't failed your child. Your child hasn't failed you. We've just been asking a fish to climb a tree, and then everyone—kid and parent—feels terrible when it doesn't work.

What Changes When You Stop Asking Fish to Climb Trees

When you understand how your child's brain actually works and adjust your approach accordingly, everything shifts.

Instead of "clean your room," you break it down: "Put the Legos in the bin." Once that's done: "Now put the books on the shelf." You're doing the executive functioning for them until their brain develops that capacity. Suddenly, your child is successful. They feel capable. The battles disappear.

Instead of dismissing the cup meltdown, you acknowledge their distress and work with their nervous system instead of against it. You create predictability and choices. Your child learns to trust you, and regulation becomes possible.

When you match your parenting approach to how your child's brain works, you stop fighting against their wiring. You stop asking them to be someone they're not. And here's what happens:

The chaos settles. The yelling decreases. Your child starts to feel successful instead of like a failure. You start to actually enjoy time with them instead of dreading every interaction. The guilt lifts because you're finally showing up as the parent you've always wanted to be.

Your house becomes peaceful. You have energy left at the end of the day for yourself, your marriage, your friendships. You stop avoiding public places because you're confident you can handle whatever comes up.

This isn't about lowering expectations or "giving in." It's about understanding your child's unique wiring and working with it instead of against it. It's about putting the fish in water and watching them thrive.

Your Child Is a Genius—In the Right Environment

That quote I shared at the beginning? It's not just a nice sentiment. It's the foundation of everything I teach.

Your child has strengths, gifts, and brilliance that might not fit into traditional molds. They might struggle with things other kids do easily—but they also have capacities other kids don't. The key is creating an environment where they can thrive instead of constantly asking them to do things their brain isn't wired for yet.

When you shift from "What's wrong with my child?" to "What does my child need to be successful?"—everything changes.

You're not alone in this. Thousands of parents feel exactly the way you do right now. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Worried they've tried everything and nothing works. Carrying guilt about their "ineffective parenting."

But here's what I know after years of working with families just like yours: Your child isn't broken. Your parenting isn't broken. You've just been asking your fish to climb trees.

And I can show you how to put them in water instead.

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Because your fish doesn't need to learn to climb. They just need the right environment to swim.