5 Signs Your Parenting Strategy Is Working Against Your Child's Brain

You're doing everything the parenting books tell you to do. You're being consistent. You're setting clear expectations. You're following through with consequences. But somehow, things are getting worse instead of better.

Your child is melting down more frequently. The power struggles are intensifying. You're exhausted and frustrated, and you can't figure out what you're doing wrong.

Here's what might be happening: Your strategy isn't wrong. It's just wrong for your child's brain.

After years of working with families, I've identified five telltale signs that your approach is working against your child instead of with them. If you're nodding along to any of these, it's not because you're failing. It's because you need a different approach that's actually designed for how your child's brain works.

Sign #1: Your Child Seems to Get Worse Before Getting Better (And Never Actually Gets Better)

You implement a new strategy. Maybe it's a reward chart, a consequence system, or a new routine. At first, your child's behavior escalates dramatically. The parenting expert said this would happen. It's called an "extinction burst," and you're supposed to push through it.

So you do. You stay consistent. You power through. But weeks go by, and the behavior isn't improving. If anything, it's worse than when you started. Your child is more dysregulated, more defiant, more shut down.

What's really happening: An extinction burst should be temporary. A few days, maybe a week. If your child's behavior is getting progressively worse, it's not an extinction burst. It's a sign that your strategy is activating their stress response instead of helping them build skills.

When a strategy works against your child's brain, it doesn't just fail to help. It actively makes things worse. Their nervous system goes into fight-or-flight mode. They're operating from a place of survival, not learning.

If you've been "pushing through" for weeks with no improvement, it's time to stop. This isn't about your consistency. It's about the strategy itself being incompatible with your child's needs.

Sign #2: The Strategy Works Everywhere Except at Home (Or Only at Home)

Your child's teacher raves about how well-behaved they are at school. They follow directions, complete tasks, and stay regulated all day. But the moment they walk through your front door, it's like a switch flips. They fall apart. They refuse to cooperate. They melt down over the smallest things.

Or maybe it's the opposite. Your child is a disaster at school but relatively cooperative at home.

What's really happening: This isn't random, and it's not manipulation. It's a sign that your child is "holding it together" in one environment at the expense of falling apart in another.

If your child is regulated at school but dysregulated at home, they're likely masking all day. Using every ounce of energy to meet expectations in a challenging environment. By the time they get home to you (their safe person), they have nothing left. The meltdowns aren't defiance. They're nervous system collapse.

If your child is dysregulated at school but fine at home, the school environment might be overwhelming their capacity in ways your home doesn't. Sensory overload, social demands, or academic pressures might be activating their stress response.

Either way, if your strategy assumes your child has consistent capacity across all environments, it's not accounting for how much energy they're spending just to stay regulated. You need an approach that recognizes when your child is operating on empty and adjusts accordingly.

Sign #3: Your Child Can't Explain Why They "Won't" Do Something

You ask your child to put on their shoes. They don't do it. You repeat yourself. Still nothing. You're getting frustrated: "Just put on your shoes! It's not that hard!"

Your child starts to cry or yell or shut down. When you ask why they won't just do the simple thing you asked, they can't tell you. They say "I don't know" or "I don't want to" or they just stare at you blankly.

You assume they're being defiant. But defiance usually comes with an explanation. They want to do something else, they're mad at you, they're testing boundaries.

What's really happening: When a child genuinely can't explain why they're not doing something, it's usually not a "won't" problem. It's a "can't" problem.

Maybe they're overwhelmed and frozen. Maybe the task requires executive functioning skills they don't have yet. Maybe sensory issues are making the shoes feel intolerable. Maybe anxiety is paralyzing them. Maybe they've already hit their limit for transitions today and their brain literally cannot process one more demand.

If your parenting strategy is based on the assumption that your child is choosing not to comply, you're going to respond with consequences and increased pressure. But if your child genuinely can't comply in that moment, consequences won't help. They'll just increase the stress and make the situation worse.

You need a strategy that helps you distinguish between "won't" and "can't" and responds appropriately to each.

Sign #4: Your Child's Self-Esteem Is Tanking

Your child used to be confident, but lately they're making comments like "I'm bad at everything" or "I'm the worst kid" or "Nobody likes me." They're quick to give up when things get hard. They refuse to try new things because they're convinced they'll fail.

You try to build them up with praise and encouragement, but it doesn't seem to help. If anything, they push back harder against your reassurance.

What's really happening: Your child is internalizing repeated experiences of failure. When your parenting strategy asks them to do things their brain isn't wired to do yet, they fail over and over. They're starting to believe the problem is them. That they're fundamentally bad, broken, or incapable.

Even your well-intentioned praise might be making it worse. If you're praising them for things they didn't actually accomplish (or barely accomplished with massive support), they know it's not genuine. They feel patronized instead of empowered.

Self-esteem doesn't come from empty praise. It comes from genuine success. From experiencing yourself as capable and competent. If your strategy consistently sets your child up to fail, their self-esteem will crater no matter how much you try to compensate with words.

You need an approach that sets your child up for real, achievable success. When they experience themselves as capable (when they actually do the thing and feel proud of themselves) that's when self-esteem grows.

Sign #5: You Dread Implementing Your Own Strategy

You know you're supposed to follow through with the consequence. You know you're supposed to stay consistent with the routine. But you find yourself avoiding it, making excuses, or giving in because you just can't face the battle.

You feel guilty about this. You think it means you lack discipline or willpower. But deep down, you dread your own parenting strategy.

What's really happening: Your nervous system is giving you information. On some level, you can sense that this approach isn't working. That it's creating more stress for everyone without actually solving the problem.

Maybe implementing the strategy requires screaming matches that leave everyone shaken. Maybe it involves watching your child sob while you "stand firm" with a consequence that feels cruel. Maybe it means fighting through resistance multiple times a day until you're completely depleted.

If your strategy requires you to override your parental instincts and push through your own distress on a daily basis, something is wrong. Not with you. With the strategy.

Effective parenting strategies should feel sustainable. They should make your life easier, not harder. If you're dreading your own approach, it's probably because it's not actually working, and your body knows it before your mind does.

You need strategies that feel aligned with your values, that don't require you to operate in constant conflict with your child, and that actually reduce stress instead of amplifying it.

What to Do Instead

If you recognized your family in any of these signs, here's what I want you to know: This isn't your fault, and it doesn't mean your child is too difficult or too broken to help.

It means you need a different approach. One that's designed for how your child's brain actually works instead of how we wish it worked.

That means understanding what's driving your child's behavior instead of just trying to control it. It means matching your expectations to their actual developmental level, not their chronological age. It means building in support for the skills they're missing instead of punishing them for not having those skills yet. It means creating strategies that are sustainable for you as an exhausted parent, not just in theory. And it means setting your child up for genuine success so their self-esteem can actually grow.

When you shift from fighting against your child's brain to working with it, everything changes. The battles decrease. Your child's confidence grows. You stop feeling like you're failing. Your house becomes the peaceful, connected space you've been craving.

You Don't Have to Keep Struggling

You've been working so hard with strategies that were never designed for your child in the first place. It's not surprising they're not working. But there's a better way.

Ready to try an approach that actually fits your child? Sign up for my newsletter and get practical, research-backed strategies designed for how your child's brain really works. You'll get exclusive parenting tips, early access to new content, and tools that help instead of hurt.

Your child isn't too difficult. Your current strategy just isn't the right fit.

Let's find one that is.