Why Your Kid "Never Listens" (And the One Thing You're Missing)
You told your child to clean up. They put away one toy and walked off.
You're furious. They're confused. And you're both convinced the other person is being impossible.
Sound familiar?
Here's what I need you to hear first: your child isn't ignoring you. They genuinely don't know what you're asking them to do.
After years of working with exhausted parents who feel like they're speaking a different language than their kids, I've identified the real problem—and once you understand what's actually happening, you can fix it.
The Problem: "Clean Up" Means Nothing
Picture this: Legos everywhere. Dress-up clothes scattered across the floor. Art supplies covering the table.
You say: "Please clean this up before lunch."
Your seven-year-old picks up three Legos, drops them in the bin, and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, nothing's changed. When you confront them, they look genuinely baffled: "I DID clean up! I put the Legos away!"
You think: "They're being defiant."
But here's what research actually tells us: you spoke two different languages.
To you, "clean this up" meant: clear the floor, organize supplies, hang up costumes, wipe the table.
To your child, it meant: do something. One thing counts, right?
Nobody was wrong. You just weren't speaking the same language.
We Think We're Being Clear (But We're Not)
Most parents believe they're giving clear instructions. I see this all the time. But we're leaving massive gaps that our kids are expected to fill in—and when they can't, we label it as "not listening."
Think about these:
"Be good at the store" could mean: Don't run, don't ask for things, stay by the cart, use indoor voice, don't touch shelves. Which one? All of them? Your child is guessing.
"Get ready for school" could mean just get dressed. Or it could mean: get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, pack backpack, put on shoes, grab lunch box, get coat.
Your child guesses. When they guess wrong, everyone loses. They feel like they're constantly failing. You feel like you're constantly fighting. And the whole morning spirals.
The Shift: Get Ridiculously Specific
This is the shift that changes everything: stop being vague. Get ridiculously, almost painfully specific about what you want.
VAGUE: "Behave at Grandma's house."
CLEAR: "At Grandma's, use walking feet inside, say 'please' and 'thank you,' and ask to go in the backyard if you want to run."
VAGUE: "Set the table."
CLEAR: "Put out five plates, forks, and cups. Plates in front of each chair, fork on the left, cup on the right."
The clear version gives your child exactly what they need to succeed. They're not guessing. They're not anxious about whether they're doing it right. They know.
The Three Parts Every Expectation Needs
When you give your child an expectation, it needs three parts. Miss any one of these, and you're back to confusion and conflict.
1. The Specific Behavior (What)
Not "be helpful"—instead: "Take the trash and recycling bins to the curb."
Not "get ready for bed"—instead: "Put on pajamas, brush your teeth, and pick out tomorrow's outfit."
2. The Timeline (When)
Not "later" or "soon"—instead: "in the next 15 minutes" or "before we leave at 3:00."
Kids with ADHD especially need concrete deadlines. Their brain can't process "whenever you get around to it." But honestly? All kids benefit from knowing exactly when something needs to happen.
3. What Success Looks Like (How They Know They're Done)
This is the part most parents skip—and it's the most important one.
Not "clean your room"—instead: "You're done when clothes are in the hamper, toys are in the bins, and I can see the carpet."
Now they know exactly when they've met the expectation. No guessing. No anxiety. No coming back to check with you three times.
Real Example: My Dinner Table Fix
Every night, my kids would sit down and immediately start eating before I sat down. I tried reminding them. I tried asking nicely. I tried getting frustrated. Nothing changed.
Then I got specific: "We wait until everyone is sitting before anyone starts eating."
Now they wait. They check if everyone's seated. If they're unsure, they ask: "Mom, can we start?"
Not because of rewards or punishments. Because they finally knew exactly what I wanted.
That's the power of clear expectations.
Why This Actually Works
When expectations are vague, your child's brain is in constant anxiety. They don't know if they're doing it right. They're always guessing, always waiting for correction.
When expectations are clear, their nervous system calms down. The predictability is soothing. They can succeed—and they know when they're succeeding.
Research shows clear expectations reduce anxiety, increase compliance without needing rewards or punishments, decrease power struggles, and build executive functioning skills.
You're not just getting them to clean their room today. You're teaching them how to break down abstract concepts into concrete actions—life skills they'll use in every relationship and job they ever have.
For Neurodivergent Kids, This Is Essential
If your child has ADHD, autism, or executive functioning challenges, clear expectations aren't just helpful—they're essential.
ADHD kids: Break it down into single steps. "First, put books on the shelf. Come back when you're done and I'll tell you the next step." Their working memory can't hold multiple steps at once.
Autistic kids: Use literal language. Not "be respectful"—instead: "Look at the teacher when she talks and raise your hand if you have questions." Vague social expectations are genuinely confusing.
For all neurodivergent kids, use visual supports: checklists, pictures, written instructions. Give their brain multiple ways to hold onto the information.
Starting Today
If you've been giving vague expectations, here's how to fix it:
Name the change: "I haven't been clear about expectations. Starting today, I'm going to be specific so we're on the same page."
Start with one area: Pick bedtime, homework, or chores—whichever one is causing the most conflict.
Write it down: Sticky note, whiteboard, checklist. Make it visible.
Reinforce success: "You did exactly what I asked—thank you!"
Expect pushback at first. Behavior often gets worse before it gets better. Your child might test whether you really mean it. Stay consistent. This works.
The Bottom Line
Most behavior problems aren't defiance. They're communication problems.
The fix? Get specific. Tell them exactly what you want, when you want it, and what success looks like.
When kids know what's expected, they rise to meet it. Your house can feel calm. You can actually enjoy time with your kids instead of constantly correcting them. You can have energy left at the end of the day for yourself, your marriage, your friendships.
It starts with getting ridiculously, painfully, almost-too-specific clear.
This Week's Action Step: Pick one area where you're constantly frustrated. Write down the specific behavior, timeline, and success criteria. Make it crystal clear. Then watch what happens.
Want more strategies like these delivered straight to your inbox? Sign up for my newsletter and get exclusive parenting tips, early access to new content, and practical strategies you can use today.
Already a subscriber? Listen to the Climbing Fish Parenting podcast where I dive even deeper into clear communication and give you more research-backed strategies you can use with your kids.